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Leaving the Land of Before

by Sara Ayers

/
1.
I needed one more thing to be sad about uncertainty, or certain doubt it's love...it's easy...it's hard it's just one version of the future all that we'll remember all that we'll forgive all that we'll laugh about further behind and farther below all that we let in all that we let go all that was within reach there will be no other (further behind and farther below) every day you're further away (all that we let in all that we let go) every day I needed one more dream to see you again in some strange world that made no sense it's just one version of the future all that we'll remember all that we'll forgive all that we'll laugh about
2.
sailors sing of seven kinds of darkness on the devil sea this is how the world ends cast adrift on stranger waters lost in nameless territory all the silver in your pocket just serves to weigh you down this is how the world ends but another currency could pay your passage and set you free angry days of doubts and doctrines we are here to mourn and suffer this is how the world ends leave that land and its illusions laugh at everything they offer no cure no faith no hope no grace but not everything is lost not everything the coldest day, the blackest sky what is it you wait for this is how the world ends a dream forgotten, lost in time you've come so far to find your way back home now all you have is what you are and the crows are coming soon this is how the world ends for a dream left on a windowsill on the softest summer afternoon
3.
you are too young to leave the land of before and watch each breath like a strand of pearls you are too young to know the patience braiding her thin white hair everyone is dying every day you are too young to leave the land of before
4.
I would tell you this is simpler than you think. I would tell you you don't get to choose this one. I would say it's all right. I would ask you what was the most important moment? I would ask you any regrets? I would ask you are you afraid? I would tell you here, take my hand. I would tell you this is easier than you think. I would tell you there's a place you can't imagine right behind that door.
5.
there was a future once of monorails and jet trails and cities in the twilight clouds now heaven is full of spy satellites and here's a gift for you a song on the shortwave late at night from someplace far way here's a world for you in the dreams of the machine the purpose of a system is what it does the purpose of a system is what it does Is this a dream? How would you know? a stone is mostly space and space is big and empty consciousness is a chemical reaction in a a carbon array color is just a reflection of light and gravity is some kind of magic those are the rules just run with it those are the rules just run with it this might is the box we can't think outside of or perhaps it's just turtles all the way down look for errors in the simulation too much information in the spaces up your sleeve it all changes when you look at it it all changes when you look at it can you see the shape of the future? everything ends while the universe expands into nothing forever all those far-flung radio waves searching for a receiver a song no one can hear so far from home
6.
Just in Time 03:16
on the safest of days the warm surf scooped you up and roiled you about for what seemed like hours but then you heard a voice from far away and just in time a hand reached out a stranger pulled you back from the waves and you did not drown on that day perhaps there is love in the world on the right side of the wrong highway along the long yellow lines a life careening, those headlights are wrong you yelled and swerved and dodged them just in time you later learned that was the moment she died her spirit passing over the land might have lent a hand perhaps there is love in the world maybe you walked on the ledge and examined the edge lost in your private landscape but maybe you found a means of escape and maybe you found it just in time perhaps a spirit's whisper perhaps a stranger's hand perhaps there is love in this world
7.
on this, on this, this darkest day no solace, none serene for the time has finally come for the telling of the bees we'll drape their hives with mourning cloth and lift them up and round and burn the sage around the hives and knock the keys against the ground to tell the bees the saddest tale that we could ever tell that she is gone, she'll not return and our hearts are lost as well the mice are listening beneath the floor and the sparrows in the greenest trees and the spiders in their sleepy webs wait to hear the telling of the bees and all the ghosts of winter and the shadows in the field and the fish beneath the icy river strain to hear the telling of the bees we'll drape their hives with mourning cloth and lift them up and round and burn the sage around the hives and knock the keys against the ground shake her teeth inside the jar hear them clatter on the glass all we have is what she was for the sweetest times never last look for light and I know that you will find it look for dark and that's all you'll ever see but soon enough all that's left to do is the telling of the bees
8.
I like birds and maps and little brown bats kites and soup and great big rocks crowns and cake and cashmere socks I like ferns and knots vetiver and robots winter snow and Saturn's rings and all the shades of green in spring and there was something but I let it go and now it's nothing, no the sky is really big today the sky is really big today I like books and hats and science and naps the smell of paint and the forest floor sidewalk chalk and hardware stores I like crows and ravens and elegant equations trains and pie and reptile eyes velvet nights and fireflies and there was something but I let it go and now it's nothing, no the sky is so blue today the sky is so so blue today I like stars and peas times gone by and times to be maple trees in autumn red the honks of geese overhead and there was something but I let it go and now it's nothing, no the sky is full of birds so many birds oh it's full of birds

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released August 24, 2018

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Sara Ayers Albany, New York

"This is music to conjure lofty dreams of perfect love, to tell trans-galactic science-fiction epics, to examine the inside of a grain of sand." -- Michael Hochanadel, The Schenectady Gazette

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